Best Kept Secret for Overcoming Perfectionism is....

Be Kind to Yourself!

Are you surprised that this is actually one of the most effective strategies to help you Overcome Perfectionism?  It's true!

In the midst of pressure and stress, or when we make mistakes, or forget something important, it's all too easy to berate and criticize ourselves. How can you focus on your strengths, get things done, and expect others to treat you with respect if you are constantly beating yourself up?  

When you constantly criticize yourself without compassion and forgiveness, you are literally training others that's its okay for them to criticize you and not be compassionate. 

If you can't be kind and patient with yourself, how can you be truly be kind and patient with others? 

 

 I Propose a New Golden Rule: 

 Treat yourself as you would like others treat you. 

 

Try this strategy just once as an experiment, and you'll see for yourself:   

Every time you criticize yourself, try countering it with a "Yeah, but..." 

 For example, here's a typical self-berating rant:

"I can't believe I was late AGAIN! Sigh, no matter how hard I try it keeps happening.  What's the use.  What is wrong with me!  Why am I so defective!"  

[I know, if you are anything like I used to be, the above statement doesn't even compare to how harsh you can be with yourself, but I know you get the point. : ) Now, here's the "Yeah, but..." strategy at work....]

 

 "Yeah, but, look at how much better I'm getting at this. Where I used to be late 80% of the time, now it's only 20% of the time. I'm really making great prgress and that is good enough! As long as I'm making a sincere effort, and make an effort to make up for whatever hardship my mistake causes, people will have to forgive me and move on.  I'm doing really great in the big picture.  I will take a lesson from this relapse and next I will {fill in effort you will make to be more on time]  I CAN and will do this!   

 

There now.  Doesn't that feel much better?  Here's the thing.  It's a verifiable truth: 

  PUNISHMENT DOES NOT WORK 
 TO CHANGE BEHAVIOR
 FOR THE LONG TERM.

 Compassionate reflection, making amends, forgiving and encouraging yourself to do better work MUCH better.   How would you treat your child if they made a mistake?   If you treat yourself kindly, you'll be amazed how much kinder you become to everyone around you.  You can't help it. 

As you develop a better relationship with yourself, your relationships with others improve.  I GUARANTEE it. 

With this lesson in mind, I'm preparing to take a mini-vacation to Maine for the holiday and to focus on writing for the next week.  I'll need to remember this lesson often as I write my drafts and try to perfect them. I hope this helps you remember to be gentler with yourself, too. 

Would love to hear about ways you will commit to being kinder to yourself as well as any successes you are having in doing so.  Just click on comment below. 

And if you like this post, please share it with others using the SHARE, RETWEET or FACEBOOK "Like" buttons below.  Thank you!

I wish you all a happy and healthy July 4th Celebration!

 

p.s. 

I'm celebrating the whole month of July as "Freedom from Perfectionism" month!  Our country was founded on the ideal of "liberty for all" and as we know, freedom is not "perfect."  It comes with lots of "taxes" and responsibilities. 

 As creatives and ADDers,  our price for freedom is that we have to learn to live with imperfection.  

So, I'm extending the $10 Sale price of my newest Audio Class program till July 30th!

 

 

"Overcoming Perfectionism: Everything I Know about Perfectionism, I Learned from my Breasts"

 

 

 

 

 

Comments

[kate]

This is great, Ariane--participating in your group class and speaking with you 1-on-1 has really put my perfectionism and its consequences front and center in my consciousness recently.

You told me during a session (and I'm paraphrasing here) that it sounded like I do way more than my share of work projects because I don't believe in myself enough to just do my piece and then let others shoulder their share of the burden. That was a real epiphany for me, especially since I struggle so much with time management in my work as a consultant.

I've been incrementally testing this out, sending work to my collaborators that isn't 'finished-finished' (my usual standard), but instead leaving room for them to add what they're supposed to be contributing. So far, so good--it's happening in baby steps, but I'm really happy to be making a change that may meaningfully change my work life for the better.

I also saw it yesterday when I took my first dance class in a style I hadn't studied before, and the other 3 students had been taking the class for a couple of years. I almost felt like I wanted to cry the whole time because I was so 'bad at it'--and I knew so well in my head how ridiculous that was, and that I didn't want to transform something joyful (dance and music) into something punishing. It is really stunning how much perfectionism can invade every corner of your life and wreak havoc unless you stay mindful about questioning it.

Thanks again!

[Vijaykumar Tandale]

i liked this idea of yours

[Ariane Benefit, M.S.Ed.]

Vijaykumar - Thank you for letting me know! : )

[teamcurtisfamily]

The "Yeah but..." is a great way to change the perspective of a negative situation and seeing the same event from a much better light. Great tip!