How I Survived My Life with Undiagnosed Adult ADD and Learned to THRIVE!

Having ADD or AD/HD is not a life sentence for living with chronic disorganization. ADD is OFTEN accompanied by great intelligence, creativity and passion that absolutely CAN be channeled into a highly productive lifestyle.  It requires effort, okay a LOT of effort, but there are SO MANY ways to make your life simpler and easier. It IS POSSIBLE to balance structure with freedom.  I'm living proof of that.

I was diagnosed with ADD last year after 48 years of high achievement. (see my resume )  Even though I struggled and had to overcome many hurdles and challenges along the way, including my own attachments to clutter and near financial devastation (read How I got out of $25,000 in debt ) I learned to get over my issues and even became an expert in some of them.

Like home office organizing, financial organizing and even ADD coaching!  I still work hard at some of my issues, like perfectionism, overcommitting, using food to manage my moods, balancing my work and personal life, and managing the incessant flow of ideas from my brain that nearly crushes me at times.  (Honestly, I really wish I could turn my brain off sometimes - it can be so exhausting.)

But in spite of my weaknesses, I have learned to thrive for the most part. I attribute my ability to go through life with undetected ADD and achieve a lot (in spite of the odds) to the fact that I am a whole person and not just someone with ADD.  I have developed many other qualities, beliefs and thinking patterns that drive me to overcome my fears and challenges, accept my weaknesses and work around them, and acknowledge my strengths and build on them.  Here are a few of the things I attribute to having helped me "overcome" the odds and learn to thrive.

An incredible thirst for LEARNING.  Learning from books, from mentors, teachers, bosses, colleagues, clients, and most of all from my mistakes and failures. 

MOTIVATION - Since my first day at school, my NEED TO ACHIEVE combined with my High NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE and AFFILIATION (see David McLelland's theory of motivation ALSO Maslow's Hiearchy of Needs and Herzberg's Theory of Motivation) was tremendous and maybe even inordinately strong.  Because I was different, I felt I needed to achieve near perfection, just to be good enough.  I was always being told I was wasting my "potential" but I wanted so badly to become the best I could be and live up to my potential.  p.s. the Wikipedia on Motivation is amazing almost like a college course on it.

EMPOWERING BELIEFS - The key words above are "MY POTENTIAL"  I have all those teachers, and all the books I read as a kid, to thank, because somehow, I came out believing it was POSSIBLE to be change myself.  POSSIBLE to become organized. I believed that when systems didn't work for me, I needed a new system.  I believed that when I was told in my report cards and performance reviews that I had to learn to  "NOT INTERRUPT", to "WAIT PATIENTLY"  to "NOT OVERCOMMIT" to "NOT STRIVE FOR PERFECTION, EXCELLENT IS GOOD ENOUGH" to "REALIZE THAT NOT EVERYONE COULD WORK AT MY PACE"  to "TURN DOWN MY INTENSITY" and on and on, I believed it was possible that I could figure out ways to make them stop saying that! And I did, thankfully.  Seriously, when I look back my performance reviews when I worked in the corporate world, they read like a classic case study in Adult ADD.  Yes, I had many moments of putting myself down and feeling defeated and unworthy. But I bounced back and tried again even harder. My self-esteem was horrible. But my beliefs were empowering me anyway. Choosing to focus on what I did right build my CONFIDENCE.  (esteem and confidence are VERY different.)

BOUNCING BACK - Turns out that RESILIENCY  is one of the saving graces of most "high functioning" ADDers. (I never quite understood that term till I found out I was one.)  I have been accused of being made of RUBBER, I'm so resilient!  I've been so knocked down along the way, but I simply can't bring myself to stay there.  After all, what GOOD would that do?  What FUN is that?  one of the neat things that most ADD people have in common is that we can be a lot of fun too! 

LEARNING TO LISTEN - This might be the hardest thing I ever learned.  I would get a top perfromance review with a MINUS because of the perception that I wasn't a good listener.  That I was always thinking about what I was going to say next instead of really listening. I could not stand getting this criticism so it became my mission to change that into making listening a strength. I didn't just want them to stop saying that.  I WANTED PRAISE for my listening skills. I thank Steven Covey from the bottom of my heart for changing my life!  He helped me learning to really and deeply listen from the heart. I read his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective people 20 times.  I integrated it's principles into training programs I was writing.  I listened to his tapes over and over again in my car while commuting. And I started changing. I sat on my hands during meetings with the goal of not saying anything until I was directly asked.  It was like torture at first, but I learned to keep my mouth shut and ears open.  I wrote down everything I was thinking instead of blurting it out. I wrote down what others were saying and reflected it back to them before giving my opinion.  And finally, the praise came.  It's amazing how fascinating and wonderful people think you are when you find them fascinating and truly listen to them.   

TOLERANCE AND COMPASSION - Anyone who has truly suffered a lot in their lives knows exactly what I mean. We forgive others easily. We understand what serious pain is and can let go of the little grievances that are meaningless in the end.  We have great empathy, insight and intution.  We the friends that are there when you are at your worst and don't judge you for it. 

COMPENSATING - Another reason why I was able to go through life with undetected ADD was that I suffered in silence.  I was really good at hiding my difficulties.  I would do whatever was necessary to compensate and "make up for my weaknesses" such as perfectionism, being late, doing too many things at once, stressing out, etc.  I would work ridiculously long hours of overtime.  I overprepared for everything. Even though I might be late for work, I would pull 3 all-nighters rather than miss a deadline. I read many self-improvement books, took many countless hours of training, and on and on.  So today, I no longer suffer in silence. I compensate in ways that MINIMIZE my suffering and make my life so much easier that it has ever been.  I'm so grateful to be nearing 50 and finally feeling like I really can live up to my Potential : ) 

A LIFE THAT FITS  Another key reason I eventually began to thrive, and not just survive, was that I quit trying so hard to turn myself inside out to try to fit into a corporate world that was sucking my soul and spirit dry. Instead, I started my own business and created a work life and environment that FIT me.  I created a world where my strengths were FAR more valuable and important than my weaknesses.  I did big consulting projects and I did mostly  ONE AT A TIME.  My hyperfocusing abilities enabled me to turn out one project after another on time and within budget.

Personally I view ADD as a gift, a challenge, and a raw talent just waiting to be harnessed.  A way of thinking and being in the world that is different from the majority in this culture. I really don't believe I am "disordered" but I KNOW I am different from most people.

Medications are helpful because they alleviate some of the pain, and allow us to more easily adapt to the "tyranny of the majority". I'm glad that insurance covers the medications, so if they have to call it a disorder in order to do that, I guess we have to put up with it.  But really, coaching and therapy are probably the most helpful, because in the end, the medications only make it easier to follow through and act on what you've had to LEARN in order to improve your quality of life.  I can only imagine how different my life would have been if I'd had the option of medication and an ADD coach instead of having to spend YEARS AND YEARS trying to change myself without that support. 

There are many debates about whether ADD is a disorder or a syndrome or a personality type, but the fact is that many people in the U.S. suffer from some of the traits and behavior patterns associated with ADD.  Have you read "CRazyBusy" ? It's so SPOT ON in describing the addictive and distracting nature of our lifestyle and how we can LEARN ways to get over it.   

In fact, this whole post was "inspired" by an email I received announcing some really great teleclasses on learning how to thrive with ADD.  See how distracted I can get?  : )

ADHD and Boosting Brain Power
Tues Feb 19 - 9:00 pm EST
Instructor: Lyn Purpura

Overcoming Anger and Frustration
in Relationships Affected by ADHD
Tues Feb 26 - 9:00 pm EST
Instructor: Melissa Orlov

The Perfectionism Battle
Wed Feb 27 - 3:00 pm EST
Instructor: Sheri Hall

Get more information at:  ADD Classes.  Check out my TOP 5 BOOKS ON THRIVING WITH ADD & ADHD

RELATED POSTS & ARTICLES

Myths about ADD  http://addconsults.com/articles/full.php3?id=1030

ADD ADHD REsource List  http://blog.neatandsimple.com/add-adhd-resource-list.html

Comments

[Joanna Young]

Ariane, what I love about you is that you are using your experience to teach, help and inspire others as well as to live a life that allows you to thrive.

I felt really uplifted by this piece this morning, thank you :-)

Joanna

[Terry Matlen, ACSW]

Ariane,

Your brave post has done more good than you will ever know. First, you have allowed a part of you to be shared with the world; something that must have been hidden deeply for most if not all your life. Hopefully, you will feel a huge burdon being lifted now. It IS scary, but you will soon see that now you can be open about your difficulties and use this post as the first step of enjoying the new you- the "whole" you that no longer has to be hidden.

As you know, I am a big fan of your site and your writings. Like most everyone else, I would never have guessed that you have ADHD, but I know the price you pay for keeping things going smoothly (at least from the outside looking in).

You see, I too, have ADHD and to others, I also appear to be very together. But in order to get things done, for starters, I have to stay up till very very late at night in order to finish what I start, due to the distractions and perfectionism (which I believe is completely related to fighting ADHD tendencies). People don't see that part of our lives.

So please accept my "bravo" to you, for opening up your personal life to your readers and allowing them to see the struggles you've lived with all these years.

Your sensitivity, empathy and deep understanding of people's differences will only help others to begin embracing theirs and other's differences as well. And with this platform of yours, you can get your message out in a big way.

I know that once I became comfortable with my own diagnosis and got to the point where I could reveal my ADHD, my whole world opened up, as it did for others, who could see that ADHD isn't a death sentence. It's simply a challenge.

Thanks for sharing and being a fantastic role model for all of us out there who have this "thing" called ADHD.

Terry Matlen, ACSW
Director
ADD Consults
www.addconsults.com

Author: "Survival Tips for Women with ADHD"

[Ariane Benefit]

Joanna and Terry:

Your comments have made me feel so acknowledged, understood and accepted that I felf like I was being covered in a safe, warm hug - and I burst into tears. How amazing to put myself out there on a cliff and feel like I was caught mid-fall. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind and thoughtful responses. I will treasure them always. They mean more to me than you will probably ever know.

[Miss. B]

Thank you so much for this entry! I too have this "problem", I accept it as my gift as well. It's so inspiring to read your story.

[Rosa Say]

Ariane, you are amazing. I have been a huge fan of yours ever since Dwayne first introduced us and I began to learn about your work, and reading this now, wow... you blow me away.

It takes so much courage to share personal stories like this when you never quite know who may be reading them, but what you really inspire me with is your genuine desire and generosity in helping others learn about ADD and ADHD too, fully understanding how that knowledge can make their own path a bit less bumpy - and how we can smooth the way for others who are struggling. This is aloha shining brightly.

[Geralin Thomas]

Ariane,

Thank you so much for generously sharing your news with us; I warmly embrace and respect anyone who has this challenge in life.

While I don’t have ADHD I have many clients who do and I always think of them as “Gifted & Talented” because of their many coping mechanisms and creative strategies.

An interesting bit of information to note is that 100% of my female clients with a professionally diagnosed “gift” of ADHD weren’t diagnosed until after the age of 30 so …at least among my clients, females tend to be “late bloomers” seeking help for their ADHD.

Does anyone else find this interesting? I sure do: males are diagnosed early in life but females aren’t!

I recently posted a question from a woman with ADHD seeking help coping with paper-related issues. You can find it here: http://www.cleverparents.com/2008/02/01/adhd

Your "coming out" is sure to inspire and help many; say it loud and say it proud!

[Gwen]

Ariane, thank you. Although I have not been diagnosed with ADD, I soooooooo. . . relate to what you have written. My reviews and evaluations mirror yours. I too have tried to "not speak" out in meetings, but have not had your discipline.

I have taken several of the courses offered through Covey, but have not read the book. It is now next on my list.

[Ariane Benefit]

Miss B., Rosa, Geralyn, Gwen:

Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. Your notes are like BIG HUGS and I can never get enough hugs - Just ask my cats. : )

@ Rosa - You are a gem. What I would give for your ability to write so fast and so from the heart. This ADD Post took me about 4 or 5 hours all told to write - so sit in awe of the many blogs on which you share so much wisdom and insight. Thank you!

@ Geralyn - You are such an inspiration! Thank you so much for everything you do to help minimize the "stigma" of ADD.

@ Gwen - Covey is great - a must read classic. There are also other books that help build listening sills too. For me, the "Payoff Imperative" that ultimate got me to seriously focus on becoming a better listener was that I want to develop better relationships. It become clear to me that not "seeking first to understand, then be understood" was at the heart of many relationship problems. Another great book that made HUGE differences for me was "Crucial Conversations" Let me know how you do!

[Dr. Amie Ragan]

Ariane,

This is valuable information. Per your request, I have linked to your post and added my two cents on my blog. I think this thread will help a lot of people recognize their problem and learn to turn it in to a strength.

[Tara McGillicuddy]

Ariane,

Your post it great!! It's really inspiring and it helps to show that ADHD does in fact affect people differently. While there are many people who are stuck there also a lot of people with ADHD who are successful too.

Thank you so much for helping to show to this to others!!

[Heather]

Ariane,

I admire you for having the courage to share your experience, and how you use it to help others thrive!

I love your blog!

[Debbie Jordan Kravitz]

Ariane-
This is my first visit to your blog and I LOVED it!.
My 10-year, straight A, overachieving daughter was just diagnosed with ADD and I've been struggling with the entire experience. As a Professional Organizer, too, I've been searching for ways to help play to her strengths and needs as we develop behavior modifactions to help her.

I was so moved by how you didn't let this "disorder" slow you down, but instead thrived, either because of it or in spite of it (or both!!). My daughter has inspired me to research ways to help others with ADD organize their lives and households, without feeling like they are destined to living with clutter and chaos.

Thanks for your inpiring words and personal reflections!!