Supporting Someone Who Lives in Squalor - Squalor Survivors & Children & Family of Hoarders

The following excerpt is from : Supporting Someone Who Lives in Squalor - Squalor Survivors. There are several degrees of Squalor defined on this site to help you determine what kind of help you might need.

Below are links to Online support resources for friends and family of people who are living with hoarders.

Overcoming Hoarding Together. For people who are in a personal relationship to others who have hoarding disorder. Giving family/friends a place to interact, normalize what they are feeling, and offer education, enlightenment, and encouragement. This group is under the guidance of a licensed marriage and family therapist. Membership is limited to adults.

Mates-of-Messies. Do you live with a messy person and it is interfering with your life? How can you encourage that person to change? How can you support that person if they want to change? Get support from others who are in the same situation.

Children of Hoarders group. For the Adult Children of Hoarders(COH) who grew up in a hoarders home and/or have a parent who still hoards. (Spouses of COH welcome too!) This is a place to connect with others who can relate for support, venting, education and awareness. There are life experiences and support from others who understand. We do not provide therapy but rather a place to connect with others. This group is for those over 18 yrs. of age.

Comments

[luav]

I have a mom who lives 4 hours away and has become a hoarder of everything. I am her only surviving child and I dont know what to do. Her house is getting terrible and unhealthy as far as dust and her toilet is having problems but she wont let anyone in to fix it. I dont know what to do. I dont want to force her to do things. I tell her she needs to have one come in to fix it. She gets on the defense. Should I talk to her primary doctor about this? She is depressed but says she isnt. Thank u for any info. Luav

[Ariane Benefit, M.S.Ed.]

Luav, it is very challenging to try and help family members with this issue. You could try to talk to her primary doctor, but don't expect much as they are not trained to deal with this sort of issue. Dealing with people who hoard is a lot like dealing with an addict..you hate to see people hurting themselves, yet you also can't force them to change. They only resist more. Supporting her and encouraging her and asking her what she wants (you don't have to give her everything she asks for, but just listening without judging or trying to change is often better. Sometimes you you have to "get on their page" with them before they will let walls down and listen to your point of view. For example I find that often the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I don't have to do it or better yet, tell me "it can't be done" I tend to start challenging that and before you know it, I WANT to do it.

I believe that hoarding is a "coping" mechanism...not a healthy one but that is the intent...so what is she coping with? Find that out and you may be able to start helping her. What is her pain that she is comforting with all that stuff?

Hoarding may not be the best coping mechanism in the world...but in it's own way it is quite brilliant and creative. There is a kind of logic to it that actually is true...the issue is that the creativity and logic is "unbounded"

When people recover from hoarding behavior it is partly because they have learned to embrace the power of limits and boundaries - but they have to feel like THEY SET THE limits...if they limits are forced or pushed on them...they will rebel.

I hope this helps you in some way... : )